Washington, D.C. ⁠—

The National Rifle Association and Congress are both standing tall after the 2019 U.S. Mass Shooting Tour kicked off its mid-summer schedule with two hugely successful back-to-back venues in Texas and Ohio.

“Of course, the focus should always be on the performers themselves, who make the whole show happen, but we’re quietly doing our part in the background,” said NRA Chief Executive Wayne LaPierre.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell echoed those sentiments. “Our hands-off approach is what allows these terrific artists to get their hands on the tools they need to put on a great performance. The numbers this weekend speak for themselves.”

“The beauty of the Tour,” said LaPierre, “is that you never know which city it’ll be traveling to next. Not to mention that, on account of our sponsorship, the tickets are free.” 

Bobby Johnson, an unemployed 23-year-old white guy who is preparing to take center-stage at an upcoming show in “a place I’d rather not mention,” was enthusiastic about this year’s Tour. 

“There’s no other place a former warehouse stocker like me can become world famous overnight just for putting on a killer show. I’m really looking forward to slaying the crowd next week.”

By Joe Lichtblau and Holly Love