Gold’s Gym, Boston, MA

I have something I really, really need to get off my chest.

It’s a problem that’s weighing very heavily on me right now. Pressing, you might say.

You may be wondering if I’m about to confess to all the lying, cheating, philandering, stealing, and manipulation I’ve engaged in my whole life. However, a lifetime of incredibly poor choices is not the reason I’m wildly flailing my arms and making choking noises at the moment.

No, the load I’d like to be relieved of, and damn quickly, feels more like, say, 315 pounds of solid iron stuck on my diaphragm.

I think the old saying, that many people take their largest problems to the grave, is applicable here. A particularly large problem is about to take me to the grave, unless I can get one of the muscle-headed clods in this weight room to lift the damn thing off me.

Seriously, I would truly appreciate it if someone could help me out here before I stop breathing.

By Joe Lichtblau