Washington, D.C. —

In a Joint Press Conference on Monday, President Trump, officials from Immigration and Customs Enforcement, and the Department of Interior announced a crackdown on undocumented wildlife. “Next week ICE will begin the process of removing the millions of illegal animals who have illicitly found their way into the United States. They will be removed as fast as they come in,” said the President. “The days of open borders are over. We have an invasion of undocumented wolves, bald eagles, and coyotes. Who knows where they came from? When other countries allow their animals to cross our borders, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending animals that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with them. They’re eating American animals. They’re rabid. And some, I assume, are good animals.” 

In preparation for massive raids by ICE agents in the wilds of New Mexico, detention camps are being set up near the Mexican border. “I always get confused about refugees, or refuges, but we will hold them until we can send them back to the crime-infested places from which they came,” said the President. Members of Congress became more enthusiastic once hearing about the camps. “I am going to organize an inspection of the camps, to make sure the animals are given due process. I definitely want to see this ‘petting zoo’ where the baby animals will be separated from their parents,” exclaimed Nancy Pelosi. “I’m bringing my grandchildren.” Department of Interior officials estimated that admission fees to visit the detention camps will generate significant revenue.

The NRA and various patriot groups have offered to assist ICE by stationing armed volunteers at the border in hunting stands, to repel any future invasions. At press time, the World Wildlife Fund was speechless. 

By Fred Gailey, Photo By Myriams-Fotos