Manhattan, NYC —

The Department of Justice is on the defensive after a shocking trove of documents have come to light revealing that billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein was accidentally placed on death row last Friday evening, then executed the next morning.

The top-secret papers show that the Clintons, the Royal Family, the Global Elite, the Deep State, Vladimir Putin, the entire population of Israel, aliens living at Area 51, Guy Fieri, the Bronx Zoo, and every Mexican drug cartel all signed a letter to Attorney General William Barr requesting the government to “Please put billionaire pedo Jeffrey Epstein on death row then execute him less than 24 hours later and burn all the evidence.”

Amazingly, moments after receiving this letter, Barr sent a memo to the Bureau of Prisons instructing BOP to “accidentally put billionaire pedo Jeffrey Epstein on death row, mistakenly execute him almost immediately, then burn all the evidence, thanks, Bill B.”

As the stunning documents reveal, the BOP, not exactly known for efficient administration, followed these instructions perfectly.

President Trump said, “We are investigating exactly how the DOJ and the rest of my government managed to do this one thing so well. It’s scary. Maybe if we can do this we can do other things? Who knows. I hope not. There’s a lot of things out there you don’t want me doing.”