So you’re bleeding out. I get it. We’ve all been there. But just because you’re experiencing a medical emergency, doesn’t mean you can’t look your best. Is there anything worse than being wheeled around on a gurney with tear-soaked cheeks and disheveled clothes? Talk about embarrassing! Lucky for you, I have just what you need. Since time is short, we’ll just jump right into it. Here are a few quick makeup looks to apply while waiting for the paramedics to arrive!
Keep It Natural
We want to avoid looking like we try too hard. You’ve already gotten yourself moderately impaled on this fence, so there’s no need to be an over-achiever when it comes to your face. Try dipping your fingers in a little bit of your blood and gently dab it on your cheekbones for a warm, natural blush that will make the paramedics question whether or not you are actually flat-lining.
Keep It Professional
Sure, you’re wearing roller-skates… Make that roller-skate… Where did the other one go? Anyway, just because you aren’t as skilled at skitching behind the city bus as you anticipated, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be taken seriously as the professional woman you are. Remember that blood we talked about earlier? Double dip some of that ruby red goo and apply generously to your lips. Bold lips tell the EMT defibrillating your heart that you are not to be underestimated. Your pulse may be weak, but your ambition is strong.
Keep It Sexy
As women, we have a responsibility to always be on the lookout for a suitable partner. Luckily your shirt is ripped open, exposing one titty. Nice! It can still be a little hard to flirt, though, after spitting 7 of your teeth out on the sidewalk, so let your makeup speak for you. And what says “I’m just a girl, moderately impaled on a fence in front of a boy, just asking him to love me” like a classic smokey eye? You see that car? Yeah, the one that you tumbled over before landing on that fence. Reach over and rub your finger around in the tailpipe. Get it all nice and black with soot. Now using your ring finger, gently smudge it onto your eyelids, putting an emphasis on the outer crease. Remember to always apply eye makeup with your ring finger, as using your index finger can cause excessive tugging and pulling of the sensitive skin around the eyes, thus leading to unsightly wrinkles.
Keep It Fun
I know what you are thinking at this point. What if I find myself losing consciousness before I can complete my entire makeup look? I say, just have fun with it! The seconds are ticking away, so take all the steps above, throw caution to the wind, and go for a full clown look. It is a proven fact that men love funny women! Give yourself a giant blood red smile, use the soot to draw large, surprised brows on your forehead. Your nose is already red and round from face planting into the back of that bus, so that’s one less step you have to take to look the part. When you wake up in the back of the ambulance, be sure to wow the crew with a little close up magic, such as the ol’ “pulling your thumb apart” gag. This should be simple enough, considering it’s only hanging by a tiny skin flap. This look will guarantee that you won’t be the only one in stitches.
By CarolAnn Liebelt