NY, NY —

A public relations spokesperson for the NYPD has stated that Commissioner James O’Neill recognizes the stress its residents are under as the threat of being choked to death looms over them. While unwilling to support a ban on all choke-holds with “the Eric Garner law,” the police department is considering offering all suspects a “light choking option” with each arrest. The spokesperson noted that the department likes to move swiftly when it comes to correcting injustices, despite what the public may see with recent events.

“While we know that there is literally no way for police officers to converse with a subject without choking them at all, we realize that a little light choke is preferred by many over being tased or murdered. And we already know that you don’t like being beaten with billy clubs, or getting stomped in the chest by our horses, so we’re running out of options,” the spokesperson told reporters.