Flavortown, USA —

Just days after announcing his reelection bid, Flavortown mayor Guy Fieri’s campaign has been rocked by major accusations of embezzlement. The incumbent mayor is accused of misappropriating nearly nine thousand ketchup packets from the city’s coffers directly into his personal vault.

Sources close to the embattled mayor say they have “no idea why anyone would steal so much ketchup,” and “how would he even fit that much ketchup in that tiny red convertible.” 

But his accusers insist he’s guilty. “We believe he slathers it all over his body as some sort of religious or occult ritual,” one source close to the investigation has suggested.
The mayor’s office could not be reached directly for comment, but through a statement has promised to “see you next time, here on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives.” 

By Paul Klingle