Methuen, MA —

After yet another child was mauled by a pit bull, city officials in Methuen, Massachusetts, have taken their canine safety campaign to a new level by euthanizing the dog’s owner.

“For years, we’ve been approaching the pit bull problem piecemeal by merely putting down the offending dog,” said Chief of Police Angela Nutter. “We’ve recently concluded that killing the owner may more effectively communicate our commitment to completely eradicating this ongoing headache.”

Dan Pinney, whose late brother Richard owned the offending pit bull, said that he recognized the need to finally end his brother’s life. “You could explain to Dick the danger his pit bulls posed until you were blue in the face, and all he would say is, ‘it’s the owner, not the breed.’ Well, come to think of it, maybe he had a good point.”

According to Chief of Police Nutter, “this time around, we haven’t heard the usual excuses we hear from pit bull owners after an attack, such as that Chihuahuas and toy poodles are even more dangerous, because they bite more frequently, or that there’s no such thing as a ‘pit bull’ because the name actually encompasses different breeds.”

“In fact, after we put down Mr. Pinney, we haven’t heard a single word from any other pit bull owners, because they’ve all fled the city.”

By Joe Lichtblau