Cleveland County, OK —

Customers of local heroin dealer known only as  “J-Money” say that not only is his heroin the best they have ever had, he is also a very caring person. “From dropping off overdosing friends at the ER from out of a moving car, to giving 15% discounts to people who just completed rehab — there is no denying that he is a true friend,” said a middle-aged looking man who definitely had not showered in months. A man claiming to be Jesus Christ said, “J-Money is the nicest guy I know. He had eight customers all die from his stuff since April. He went to every one of their funerals.”

By Ethan Moore