San Bernardino, CA —

A burrito has been rushed to emergency surgery today, after a routine examination found its hot sauce count was drastically low.

The burrito was born just minutes ago, in the microwave of Lori Bernard. Everything was going fine until the family sat down to eat, when Lori immediately noticed something was wrong with the burrito. “I knew right away that this burrito needed surgery. I wouldn’t say I’m a burrito expert, but when it’s your very own, you have a special intuition for these things.”

Surely enough, an immediate examination found that the hot sauce count was at least five times below the recommended level. With no burrito specialist available, Lori was forced to single-handedly put the burrito under the knife. Filled with the kind of adrenaline once reserved for rescuing a baby from a wild animal’s jaws, Lori laid the tortilla down on the table. “I’m going in.” Without hesitation, she used a knife to peel back the wrap, revealing the fragile, humanizing innards. “Jesus,” she said. “My poor baby. Don’t you fall apart on me. We’ll get through this.”

Lori applied five methodical splashings of hot sauce onto the burrito’s entrails, making sure to spread it across a wide area. Applying gentle pressure, she folded the wound and reassembled the burrito to its original glory.

Following the successful surgery, the fragile but dogged burrito has enjoyed a new zest for life. “It’s always hard when your family goes through this,” said Lori, “but I’m glad the burrito spent its last living moments on Earth healthy, secure, and in a safe place. It lived its life to its fullest purpose. I’m sure this event will continue to move me for many hours to come.”

By William Boffa