1) If asked why you’re renting an embalming kit, acceptable responses range from “mom died” to “I thought I’d check it out.” On the other hand, “I just scored a date on Tinder” is probably not a great answer.

2)  Some people already have embalming fluid in their veins before they die. Save your money by learning to recognize these people, known as “Republicans,” in advance.

3)  Is the person you’re embalming definitely dead? When was the last time they moved, opened their eyes, or begged you to stop talking about veganism?

4)  If you’re using your kit to embalm a beloved, departed hamster to hang from the rear-view mirror of your car, consider spending your money on psychotherapy instead.

5)  Feeling over-whelmed by your social schedule? Inviting friends over for an embalming party is a great way to permanently tighten your circle of acquaintances.

6)   If it’s just Uncle Bruce and not some fancy corpse, try making do with vinegar and lemon juice.

7)  Using embalming fluid to commit suicide is not recommended. If, however, you’ve already committed suicide by another method, self-embalming is an inexpensive way to finish the process.

8)  Be careful not to leave the embalming fluid out where it can be mistaken for chicken broth.

By Joe Lichtblau and Holly Love