Chicago, IL —

Four-month-old Elijah Frost is at home in his AC/DC onesie, which he personally chose from the H&M baby rack, arguing online with Brian Johnson apologists. “There’s no doubt AC/DC is my favorite band. They’re arguably the best hard rock band of the past fifty years, mostly because of the Bon Scott-era discography, obviously, which is clearly superior to the Brian Johnson output these clowns are verbally masturbating over,” Frost said while trying to use his developing neck muscles to hold his head upright.

“Look at this joker, deluding himself into thinking Back In Black is a reason Johnson is better,” Frost says while teething on his silicone giraffe before writing his response on a Reddit thread. “Don’t get me wrong, BIB is a fantastic record, but let’s get real. Put Johnson’s best six albums next to Scott’s six albums, and it’s a no-brainer. Scott’s stuff knocks Johnson’s stuff out of the God damn park.”

After a five-minute crying session on the ground that ensued when Frost’s disequilibrium made him fall off the computer chair, his parents returned him to the keyboard to smash away more truth. “For_Those_About_To_Brock wrote ‘Johnson is the better singer by a mile.’ Well, guess what, Brock? Bruno Mars is a better singer than Bob Dylan. What’s your point? Scott’s charisma and lyrics are vastly superior. Fuck outta here with your dynamic range bullshit.”

At press time, Frost was singing Dirty Deeds while getting his diaper changed.

By Andrew Froese