Record label sources confirmed today that the rock band Aerosmith is back at it, recording their sixteenth studio album. Unlike every other album they’ve released since the ’80s, this one is sure to actually be decent, as all five members are back on drugs.

“They knew their sober music was bad, but people kept buying it,” said their manager. “Then at a meeting a few weeks ago, guitarist Joe Perry suggested they try drinking some coffee or Coca-Cola to see if the caffeine would help their songwriting.” Friends of singer Steven Tyler say it helped a little, and by the end of the week the band was doing more cocaine, meth, and heroin than they ever did in the ’70s. The recording may take some time to finish, as drummer Joey Kramer was arrested last night for wrestling an imaginary bear at a KFC while naked and high on bath salts.

By Ethan Moore