“The turf — it’s so green. And the players are so big! I knew they felt big, I could tell when they’d be screaming over top of me, but man — they’re huge, and there’s so many of them on the field at once. There’s gotta be at least 20 of them out there,” the career ref for the NFL said through cascading tears when he finally gained the gift of sight. “It used to really hurt my feelings when people would shout, ‘ARE YOU BLIND?’ for you see, I was. I knew I was missing important calls. Coaches and players would be yelling at me to look at the instant replay. I was like — I am! I’m looking! I just can’t freaking see. Heck, I used to not even be able to call the coin toss. I just went with whichever team sounded the most excited. This is going to be a great season. Not for the Dolphins, though, but I can’t help that. Actually, come to think of it, I bet a blind ref would probably be the only thing that could help them.”

By Emily Sanchez