1.  A bank account. I assume you need money to buy a bank account? I wouldn’t know. HMU in private if you know a bank where they give you your own bank account with somebody else’s money in it.

2.  Gorillas. I heard they’re going extinct, so they’re probably a good investment.

3.  Other money. Ha ha ha! That was a joke. OK, not really. However, I’m not even sure you can buy money. I have noticed that if you give someone a Twenty, they’ll give you back twenty singles. Pretty cool, huh?

4.  Australia. I don’t believe that requires an explanation.

5.  The letter “F.” Then I could charge everyone for using it. I’d run ads like “Free isn’t free anymore!” But people would probably start spelling “free” “phree,” and I’d go broke. You know what, scratch this idea.

6.  Beer and drugs. Why stop when you have money?

By Joe Lichtblau