After thirteen people died in a terrible accident Saturday involving two church vans, a spokesperson for Heaven has announced that the famous afterlife dwelling has exceeded capacity. “It’s pretty crowded at the moment. More people bit the dust this year than we expected. Normally God intervenes and saves hundreds of lives daily, but who am I to question his mysterious ways,” said Albert Freeman, the head of Heaven’s angel resource department. “We just can’t let anyone else come in right now.”
It has been estimated that over one hundred souls have been turned away. Some returned to Purgatory to wait it out, while others have traveled to Hell as the annual two-week-long music festival just started there yesterday. “They’re more than welcome to come here no matter what kind of person they were on earth,” said Satan, the Prince of Darkness. “I don’t judge. Plus, it’s the perfect time of year in Hell. The weather is expected to be great for the festival. Keith Richards is playing tonight. No, he’s not dead yet, but he’s been close enough many times. He likes to visit when he can.”
Contractors in Heaven started work on a very large two-story addition late last year. It was expected to be finished in June, but after a safety inspection revealed areas inaccessible to those in wheelchairs, the opening was pushed back four months. “Unfortunately these things take time,” Freeman said. “We have carpenters, plumbers, and electricians working hard on this day and night. It would be nice if God could just say some words and make an entire new section of Heaven appear. I guess He’s just not in the mood.”
By Ethan Moore, Photo edit: Emily Sanchez