Transcript of actual 60-second press conference held by 10-year-old Mason Charles of Birmingham, Alabama and the one journalist brave enough to confront him:

CHARLES: Members of the press, welcome. I stand here before you today, representing all of the country’s children, to break the news that you fuckers are not fooling anyone with this spaghetti squash shit, okay? Make it stop.

JOURNALIST: Mr. Charles, if I may. When properly prepared, spaghetti squash does closely mimic the texture of actual pasta, am I right?

CHARLES: Please. It’s vegetable matter. VEGETABLE. We kids want tender tendrils of tagliatelle. Sweet strands of spaghetti. Voluminous vats of vermicelli. Not slimy strings of squash. Ca-PEESH?

JOURNALIST: But surely with the addition of tomato sauce and cheese, it’s close enough to the real thing, no?

CHARLES: Let me ask you a question. Are you single?


CHARLES: Seeing anyone?


CHARLES: When you go to bed at night, do you hug a pillow and think it’s just as good as a lover?

JOURNALIST: …Tony Macaroni’s Buffet, pronto. My treat.

By Holly Love