Study Finds Bald Men More Attractive, More Masculine, More Virile, More Quietly Confident, More Mysterious, More Hunkish But In An Approachable Way, Somehow More Hairy, Even

New research has found that those experiencing male pattern baldness score more highly in masculinity, attractiveness, sperm production, grilling, dirt biking, rescuing people from burning buildings, and over 89 other metrics measuring general manliness. The study, which was conducted by the MIT Faculty of Bald Scientists in an effort to better explore what it is that makes bald men so fucking awesome, and also to make themselves feel a lot better, rated men with various hairstyles. Consistently, participants noted that only men experiencing some degree of hair loss had a special enigma around them, as though they’ve lost one thing, but gained so much more.

The study measured women’s pupil dilations and found that while they can achieve moderate widening with beards, tattoos, and leather jackets, it was only upon seeing a plain bald man that the pupils exploded, at which point the participants began experiencing symptoms comparable to rabies. Every single subject involved with the study has since been forced to carry extra pairs of underwear with them, and have unanimously given a resounding conclusion to the study: “If you are bald, you are extremely lucky. In a strange way, you are even hairier than the non-bald people. Now get over here, you big slab of man.”

But how does the science work? Biologically speaking, there are certain shapes that humans are attracted to – for example, we naturally gravitate toward symmetry. But the study found that more than any part of the body, the natural curvature of a man’s head, unobstructed by fibers that change the perceived contours of an already-perfect spheroid, hosted a perfect chemistry of soft skin, comforting roundness, and utter sex appeal, one that humans are incapable of resisting.

By William Boffa