It has been reported in another act of desperation, President Trump held a secret call with the President of Puerto Rico requesting illegal assistance with the 2020 US Presidential election.
When questioned about this new information, Trump replied, “Well, quite honestly, I was running out of foreign leaders to conspire with, and well, since I was so gracious in tossing out paper towels to his citizens in their time of need, I felt the President owed me a favor or two. I didn’t need to help Puerto Rico – those are his people; that’s his job. I mean, helping me win the 2020 election really is the least he could do since I threw out my shoulder lobbing those paper towels which required weeks of intense physical therapy. My shoulder just hasn’t been the same since and my golfing game has suffered because of it, which is bullshit. It took me a while to get a hold of him—we kept leaving each other voice messages at the exact same time—but he said I was the greatest President to have ever held the office of President, other than him, and felt honored I would request his help with such a serious matter.”
While witnesses and aides claim there was nobody besides Trump on the phone, they still had to admit it was the one of the most successful meetings of his career.