Tucson, AZ —

If you’re happy—and you know it—you should clap your hands, instructs a popular decades-old song. The lyrics even repeat the command for those too stupid to get it the first time.

But as a $750,000 study by the Department of Ditty Disobedience discovered, millions of knowingly happy people refuse to clap their hands. Or even clap someone else’s hands, or clap some other body part. The leader of the movement “Happy But Not Clappy” (HBNC) explained:

“Oh I used to do as I was told and clap my hands every time I was happy,” said Joseph Cabrey, a native of the small town of Happy, TX. “But I got tired of it. I also got stares, restraining orders, and a manic-depressive diagnosis. At first I felt guilty for stopping, but then I remembered that other part of the song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, and you really want to show it….’ Although I am regularly content, and am cognizant of said emotion, I do not, in fact, have the desire to demonstrate my glee with a public display of applause.”

Cabrey started HBNC because others also felt roped into the herd mentality of happy clapping. To date, the organization has three million members. “We have meetings where members may do anything normal to convey their joy – laugh, smile, squeal, dance, streak naked, imitate barnyard animals, dry hump a mini-fridge – but absolutely no clapping.”

As for those still happily clapping, Cabrey hopes they’ll finally realize what sheeple they are. “When you think about it, clapping is loud and obnoxious,” he said. “It should really be something you do when you’re NOT happy. Or never do. In fact, HBNC is trying to get clapping banned everywhere at all times,” he said. “Even by audiences to show appreciation at performances, speeches, and the like. The world would really be a better place without it.”

Unfortunately, Cabrey is unbearable to be around, because he sings “I Whistle A Happy Tune” 24/7.

By Holly Love