Boston, MA —

After a controversial report out of Northeastern University’s Department of Bipedal Vertical Locomotion concluded that “large landings may be excluded from an enumeration of treads and risers,” a firestorm of dispute has engulfed the stair-counting academy.

“Thoroughly ridiculous,” opined Professor Derek Rodrigues, Chair of Yale University’s Department of Jagged Slope Ascension.

“Of course landings count when you’re going up. Now, when you’re coming down, that’s completely different, especially when you hit one of those football field-sized landings, like on the stairs outside a museum or something.”

To which Dr. Tasmin Stapert, Director of the American Society of Persons Descending on Foot, responded with a series of unprintable words.

“Typical Ascender’s elitism. Landings always count. It’s like people who count windows, then say it’s OK to skip the skinny windows on either side of the front door. Those people are insane.”

By Joe Lichtblau

Photo by Ricardo Esquivel from Pexels