Seaford, DE —
While organizing the lineup for the annual family photo, Dan Rutherford made sure to place his daughter Kirsten’s boyfriend on the end, in case he needs to be cropped out one day.
“I take my family photos very seriously and it’s important to get the framing right,” Rutherford told reporters. “Of course, Mom and I go in the middle. But it’s just as important to place boyfriends on the end, especially new ones. Don’t get me wrong. We love Tom. But statistically speaking, at some point in the future he will probably be dead to us.”
“You don’t want to waste a potentially good picture just because a man Kirsten blew three years of her life on is smack in the middle. We’re thinking ahead. Put him on the end, then if worse comes to worse, snip snip.”
“I made this mistake once before,” chimed in Dan’s oldest daughter, Rachel.
“Years ago, one of my exes slipped into the middle of a huge extended-family photo. Now my cousins are like, ‘What a great photo! There’s our aunty Frances, grandma Betsy, and…wait, who’s that guy? Oh yeah, Rachel’s terrible decision from five years ago, on display for fucking ever.’”
“Of course, we can’t say this to Tom’s face,” added Dan’s wife, Meryl. “It’s just an unspoken rule. He doesn’t talk about how he’s piping down my daughter, and I don’t talk about how I’m forever poised to sever him from our photos and our lives forever. And even though he might be friendly and smile in that adorably goofy way, you can tell that he knows the drill. In his heart of hearts, he knows we’re doing him a favor.”
With every member of the family painfully aware of the delicate social protocol, Dan looked through the lens, then motioned to Tom, “A little to the left. Bit further…bit further…yes! That’s perfect. Now smile!”
By William Boffa