The Heavens —

In a long-awaited, 2,700-page manual for humans being hailed as “the most important work of our times” and “a quick read,” God has rolled out his best (and only) book since ghost-writing the Bible. It answers every conceivable question about humans except the hardest one.

“My God,” said God. “You people needed more guidance. So I’m revealing the answer to absolutely everything. How to end war. How to feed the poor. How to cure cancer. How to go back in time. How to tour Spain for $100. Why people ever listened to Duran Duran. Snoopy’s middle name. Where the hell – that’s a hint – Waldo really is. When to schedule a colonoscopy. Why you have to put your cell phone on airplane mode when flying.”

“But speaking of flying,” God continued with a laugh that shook the entire northern hemisphere, “I was wrapping up the manuscript when I realized I left out one thing – how airfares are calculated. So I sat down with every travel site and plugged in two million itineraries, which took six minutes because I’m God. Dear ME was it ever impossible to tell how they come up with these freakin’ prices!”

God detailed how he spent days entering literally trillions of routes, including things like New York to Boise, even though “no one should actually ever do that.” He drew up thousands of Excel worksheets, consulted with other deities, and fruitlessly attended meetings at major airlines while incognito as a potted plant. “There was just no pattern whatsoever. Prices changed on the same itinerary from one day to the next. There was often little relationship of price to distance, time of year, time of day, type of plane, etc. It was even more unpredictable than Chicago weather!”

God added that airline prices are the single greatest threat to his omnipotence. “Not only can I not understand them, but I can’t control them either. People constantly pray to me asking for the price of a flight to come down to something affordable. But every time I try using my powers to lower a price, it goes UP instead. What the fuck?!”

God’s “Guide To Humans” is being released exclusively through Amazon, with a forward by Ellen DeGeneres. He had to pay a premium airfare to California to get her endorsement, but says it was totally worth it.

By Holly Love