Alright, listen up everyone. I have something to say. I’m probably the first person to ever say this, but because I’ve never been one to keep silent on important matters, so here goes: I DO NOT LIKE CANDY CORN. There, I said it.

As far as I’m concerned, all the candy corn in the world should be thrown in the garbage. If you like candy corn, throw yourself in the garbage. Go ahead and throw your mom in the garbage while you’re at it. You know what, just take your entire lineage and throw it in the garbage.

If I could travel back in time to change a course of history, I think I would let Hitler live and murder the inventor of candy corn, because candy corn is yucky and I DON’T LIKE IT!

There are ways to eat sugar and then there are abominations. Sugar Babies? YES. Starbursts? GIMME. A straight tablespoon of sugar? PUT IT IN MY BELLY. But mold sugar into those weird orange triangular shapes? MY GOD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!

When I go trick or treating this year, because I am a grown person who participates in Halloween and is very concerned about its proper confections, I shall carry a pumpkin pail in one hand for the good candy and a little garbage pail in the other for your shit candy corn offerings. I will make my dissatisfaction known. Don’t test me, Karen!

Whew, boy, am I glad to get this off my chest. The weight has been lifted. I hope my bravery has paved the way for others like myself, who puke at the very notion of candy corn, to come forward. Together, we can change the world. Now, let’s talk about Tootsie Rolls…

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