Salem, MA —

Halloween horror-seekers pursuing true terror need look no further than the frightening manse here at 115 Derby Street.

“I went in with my eyes open, but this was petrifying” said Ed Reeves, blanched and sweating as he emerged from the spooked dwelling.

“First, we rounded a corner and were shocked by a surprise variable interest rate. Then boom! The balloon debt exploded and we were nearly catapulted into the jaws of a predatory home equity loan. It was horrific.”

At press time, operators of the ghastly pit of permanent debenture had called in exorcists to perform an emergency non-judicial foreclosure. 

By Joe Lichtblau