Concord, NH —

Sadly joining others who react to emotional distress with self-mutilation, 13-year-old pumpkin Jack Gordon has begun carving himself in response to years of abuse by his patch mates. “I can’t stop,” said Gordon. “I started doing a face, then it was a witch on a broom, then like this really detailed diorama of the Game of Thrones set. Sometimes I think about just gutting myself straight into a pumpkin pie baking pan and getting it over with.” Gordon’s parents plan on taking him to a pediatric vegetable therapist who has successfully treated young onions that cut themselves to have a good cry.

By Holly Love