After Chipotle Mexican Grill set a new standard for workplace benefits by announcing they will pay full college tuition for all employees, CEO Brian Niccol said he was driven to educate his workforce out of immense guilt that some people are so fucking stupid they eat at Chipotle.

“We serve up food poisoning twice a year, and these mindless drones keep showing up at the trough for more. We’ve had enough. The youth needs to be better educated about the bad-quality food out there, including ours. We’re hoping that by helping these young people unlock their full potential, they can create a life for themselves where they don’t work at Chipotle, eat at Chipotle, or ever come within 500 feet of a Chipotle.”

Kitchen hand Dan Eckhart said the new policy has changed his life. “I’m so excited to be going to college! Right now, I’m just a fucking idiot who would eat a raw pigeon if given half the chance, so of course I love Chipotle. But when I graduate, maybe I’ll be able to do something admirable, like work at a real Mexican restaurant.”