Hi there. It’s me. I’ve noticed you’ve been going through a lot of things that appear to be negative, and I want you to know that I absolutely want to appear like I will always be there for you. Indeed, your emotional journey is relatable to me, and while I have no idea how to react to it, I have many tangentially-relevant stories from my own life that I would happily share to create an enthusiastic facade of support, and steer the conversation away from how goddamn depressing you are. Any time you feel stressed or sad, just know that I’m always available to read the previews of your message and deliberately wait three hours to mark them as seen. But enough about me. What’s been happening? You can tell me anything.

I’m so, so sorry I missed this! I thought I had replied but I guess I forgot 😂 That sounds really bad! It’s bullshit you have to go through that. You deserve to be treated better. Is there anything I can do?

Hey! How’ve you been? Sorry, the last two weeks have been really stressful for me! Your story really moved me. It reminds me of everything I went through with Ashley. Boy, that was a crazy time. Can you believe how far I’ve come? Well, just remember that whatever happens, I will always be here for you in a heartbeat, depending on my mood, and how fast my heart is beating. I am a good guy. I cannot stress that enough.

I know it’s been a couple of years, but I only just saw this! Thanks for opening up to me. Hopefully you’re doing better by now and haven’t died or anything. Anyway, this is the point where I’m running out of things to say, so I will probably just send your next comment a heart-react and we can call it quits. Good luck out there!