Hollywood, CA —

Keanu Reeves recently went public about his relationship with Alexandra Grant, and people are celebrating that this Hollywood actor is dating someone who is era-appropriate for him.

“Keanu’s generous, kind-hearted nature has already won the hearts of women everywhere,” US Magazine editor-in-chief Michael Steele reported. “Combine that with his time-traveling capability, Keanu could easily be hooking up with younger-era women. Instead of chasing after a medieval princess, though, Keanu settled with someone from the same historical time span. This is empowering to all 21st Century women!”

Unsubscribed sat down with Reeves. “I could go back to the Rennaissance and some thicc ‘Venus of Urbino’ bombshell, or, hell, some wide-faced Cro-Magnon hotty from the Upper Paleolithic, if I wanted to,” Reeves boasted. “There is only one Alexandra Grant, though, and I’m attracted to her for who she is, not some superficial attribute like which part of the holocene she was born in.”

Reeves continued, “Don’t get me wrong, younger-period women are attractive. It’s just hard for them to relate to the things I grew up with, you know? I love that Alexandra and I can talk about electricity, sewage systems, or agrarian settlements so reciprocally.”

By Andrew Froese