Austin, TX —

Practically overnight, the behemoth grocery chain Whole Foods has reportedly suffered some fierce competition from a new kid on the block: the new and wildly successful “Partial Foods.” The brainchild of some entrepreneurial rogue eaters who just didn’t see the benefit in food being so wholesome, or even whole, the new store’s much more affordable offerings have been a huge hit with families on a budget.

“We have it all,” said Michael Mercurio, co-founder. “There are partial pizzas. Half-full boxes of pretzels. Oreos without the cream middle. There’s even a section called ‘Leftovers’ in Aisle 8 where you can buy the remains of other people’s dinners. It’s genius. Our incredible sales prove that this is what’s been missing from the food distribution market.” 

A trip down the aisles seems to prove his point. Even the shelves the food is displayed on are only partially put together. The staff are all only part-time employees, dressed only partially in uniform. 

“We have some exciting things coming down the pike,” said Mercurio. “We expect to get a liquor license and sell not just partial foods, but partial drinks. We’ll sweep in to local bars and save all the unfinished drinks people leave behind, and bring them to our store for sale. It’s highly ecological. We’re saving not just the grocery business, but the planet as well.”

At press time, Mercurio was taking home parts of meals to parts of his family in part of a pickup truck.

By Holly Love