Over the long weekend, soon-to-be parents of two, Kylie and Jared Masterson, hosted a painfully boring gender reveal party where nobody died. Guests commented that it was quite the stretch to even call it a party. No fire. No paramedics. No quick trip to Urgent Care. Not even a little blood squirt from Gam-Gam.

“I bit into a cupcake, and it was pink. I’m guessing that means it’s a girl? I remember their first baby. Man, Jared needed 7 stitches after a mortar headed directly for his right eye. But this? There was no gore, no action, and a weak plot. Guess you really do change after the first kid,” said longtime friend and neighbor Allen Hopple, the faint pink frosting still visible in his mustache. “They might not even throw a party for their third. We’ll probably just get a text from them after it’s born. ‘Had #3. Boy. See you in 18.'”

Headline by Paul Klingle, written by Emily Sanchez