Pella, IA —

Fred Burks, local seven-year-old, reportedly asked his parents if he could get a puppy, right after mercilessly burning ants using a magnifying lens without an ounce of remorse. Burks, a sadistic little bastard since age two, derives pleasure from inhumanely destroying insects and can’t wait to be a dog owner. The revolting spawn even upped the ante, reminding his family of his fast-approaching birthday and that the only gift he wants is a small, helpless puppy. Not ones to deny their son his wishes, Burks’ parents will not only be getting him a puppy but also plan on adopting the baby sister he asked for, too.

By Zach Englund