Minneapolis, MN –

Researchers studying people who wear toe socks have found that 96% of the time, these socks represent a cry for help.

“Our toe-sock-wearing subjects showed up two hours before the lab even opened,” said Marcus Foley, head scientist. “From the get-go, we sensed these people were desperate for human interaction.”

When asked on a questionnaire why they wore the socks, almost everyone checked the boxes for “I need the attention they bring me,” “Regular socks make me feel lonely and afraid,” and “I can hide little love notes to myself in each toe compartment.” Most had tried other methods of broadcasting to the world that they were in dire need of rescue – attending Renaissance fairs, bringing Jello molds to potluck events, and even speed-dating. But nothing worked as well as these socks.

Said Joe Bailey, long-time toe sock wearer, “I’m so grateful that when I’m in a locker room getting dressed, and I put on my toe socks, one or more friends will invariably come over and say, ‘Dude, are you ok?’. To be safe, I bought 80 dozen pairs.”

Beyond cries for help, the most common reason for wearing toe socks involved people with only eight toes who wanted to make it look like they had ten. “I lost my pinky toes in a poker game,” said Harriet Benson. “I ran out of money and figured they would be a safe wager because who would want them. Whoops.”

By Holly Love