By Dog —

This is going to be difficult, because you’re not just pitifully lethargic, you’re stupid. I mean, you walk behind me picking up my shit, which has to make you the poster boy for idiots.

But how — how? — do you not understand that when you pull back your arm, then flick it forward, the stick — or the ball, or whatever goddamn thing you’ve got in your moronic mitts — is going to fly outward. This is, like, pre-Aristotelian physics.

I’ve already lost you.

Look, you lazy fuck, I know I can’t stop your dumb ass from tossing stuff, but if you want it back so badly, go fetch it yourself. If I have to drag ass after one more stick, I swear, I’ll bite out your jugular.

After we straighten this out, we’re going to discuss this business of you following me around with that chain — because it’s fucking creepy, OK? But for now, baby steps.

By Joe Lichtblau