Despite reaching a ripe old age of 21 days, local house fly Doug always kept his youthful sense of mischief. People would always see him buzzing around, jumping from one place to another, gleefully rubbing his hands together as if he’d just devised an incredibly cunning plan. The contents of this scheme have been the topic of mystery – until now, as Doug briefly sat down with our reporters.

“These guys have no idea the kind of trickery I’m cooking up. First, I’m going to sit on a window sill. Really blend in for a while. Then,” he said, wringing his hands greedily, “I’m going to just dive headlong into a pile of shit. Then, idk, I might vomit all over myself or something. Oh Doug, you sly bastard!” he chuckled.

When pressed about why Doug was so proud of this plan, he simply massaged his palms slowly while uttering, “Good, good,” under his breath.