By Becky&Jim Hogarth

This article is not funny. Before I explain why, let me establish my credentials. I am a professional wit, with a degree in humorology. I have analyzed thousands of social media posts, usually with the intent of explaining why a post is offensive, juvenile, and/or not funny. I am a recognized expert on when laughter is appropriate. Many times innocent readers may laugh, without realizing that what they are laughing at really wasn’t funny at all. My mission is to educate those who are confused.

This article pretends to be about a weasel attempting to copulate with a poison ivy plant. The first problem is the weasel is clearly intended as a metaphor for the Romani people (formerly slurred as “Gypsies”). The metaphor is an attempt to link the Romanis with a poisonous curse. This is the sort of stereotype that was unfortunately prevalent in Hollywood films such as Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman. There is no evidence that the Romani people have any special skill with casting curses, nor is there any evidence that the Romanis attempted to have sex with plants.

Next, the article fails to “punch up.” Satire should comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable. Romanis have a history of suffering discrimination. Weasels are a suspect class. Poison ivy, for God’s sake, has been a continuous target of attempted genocide since humans have occupied the earth. Just look at the devastating effects of Roundup. None of these targets is a proper object of “satire.”

Finally, the article fails the basic test of logic. Why would a weasel think a poison ivy plant is seductive? Where exactly would the weasel think it could insert his penis? Are weasels even allergic to poison ivy? Humor must be based in truth. There is no truth in this offensive parade of stereotypes.

Thankfully, the Facebook algorithm is relentlessly policing social media for ideas that violate community standards. I apply this algorithm to all of my articles before posting. This helps me to ensure that my wit does not offend the sensitivity of my readers. Inoffensiveness is the soul of wit.

I will happily offer my services to your website in the future. I am an expert in all things funny. My editorial abilities will guarantee that no reader will ever be emotionally engaged by anything you publish.