By Donald J. Trump

This month, patriotic Americans will celebrate the day Santa Claus was crucified. In 2,000 years, people will remember this as the month I was crucified on a cross by unbelieving Democrats.

The same people who murdered Santa—global elitist bankers—are trying to kill me, your president. Some people think this is funny, but believe me, those people won’t be laughing in 2,000 years.

In 2,000 years people will still hang trees from their fireplaces, just like they do now, only the fireplaces will be nuclear, and the tree will look just like me, your president, if I were a tree who was lynched in a smear campaign, which I am not.

This is the worst thing ever done. World War II? There were good people on both sides. This is worser. This is worst than the Black Plague, even though everyone knows I love the Blacks. Great people. This is worster than Job with the slingshot from the Bible times, may he rest in peace. This is the worstestest thing in the entire history of the world, including the part with dinosaurs.

It is sad and terrible. Goodbye and Merry Christmas, which in 2,000 years will be Merry Trumpmas.

By Joe Lichtblau