After over a quarter of a century singing the song “Daughter”, Eddie Vedder has finally snapped.

News broke earlier this evening that a man attending a Pearl Jam concert was rushed to the hospital after calling Vedder ‘Daughter’. 

“I wasn’t calling Eddie ‘daughter’ exactly,” Ian Humphreys recalls the incident from his emergency room bed. “I was actually requesting they play the song ‘Daughter.’ I fucking love that song! I was in the moment and kept screaming, ‘DAUGHTER!!’… and holy shit, did things get crazy after that.” 

Just hours earlier, Humphreys, who is a long-time Pearl Jam fan, was arriving at the venue to see one of his favorite bands from the ‘90s in concert. “I wanted my first time seeing Pearl Jam to be as fucking epic as possible since I waited way too long to see them live. So, I splurged and bought pit tickets. And let me tell you bro, that was the best purchase I have spent my money on in a long time. I mean, who else can say that Eddie Vedder lunged off the stage like a spider monkey and attacked your face with a half-empty bottle of wine? Man, my face will heal, but that memory will last forever. I’m on cloud nine!” Ian laughs cautiously, careful not to rip any of the stitches out of his forehead and chin.  

When asked if Humphrey’s was going to press charges against Vedder, Humphrey’s replied, “I guess I could, but I now have a free lifetime pass to any Pearl Jam concert I want to attend, tons of cool new merch coming my way, and signed memorabilia including one of Ed’s signature tambourines. I call that a win!” 

The grunge singer issued a statement of apology shortly after the assault, but not even Rosetta Stone could decipher his mumbling. 

By Catricia