Shouting over Marine One at reporters, President Trump bragged about the feat of his own impeachment despite all odds. “I got two Articles. Obama had none,” the President squawked, hair whipping in the wind. “History will remember me as the President who got twice as much impeachment done as Obama on this day of infamy. Behold me — the Lamb of God. And much like Jesus, this is a cross that I’m happy to be crucified on. This is a terrific cross. Golden, really. Not even Pilate would have let Obama near this one. That’s what everyone is saying. May God bless these United Shtates.”

By Emily Sanchez