People either love or despise Christmas; there’s really no in-between. But one thing we can all agree on, no matter our music tastes, is that Christmas music is fucking awful, like full-blown, murder-yourself awful.
It’s so terrible that if we had our choice of listening to Christmas music on a 24-hour loop or listening to Gilbert Gottfried fucking Fran Drescher while she scratches her nails on a chalkboard, we’d be front-row center for the Fran-Gilbert fuckfest.
You’d think the “most wonderful time of the year” would have the most wonderful music to accompany it, but you’d be wrong. So very, very wrong.
Regardless, our editor-in-chief demanded we throw together a Top 10 Christmas Song List. And because we love wasting our time, we did it. And guess what? They’re all garbage. Yep. Every single fucking song we listed here can go right into an incinerator.
In no particular order of sewage filth:
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Bully trash.
White Christmas? Whiny bitch garbage.
Silent Night? All is calm, all is garbage.
Little Drummer Boy? This song’s a dumpster fire pa rum pum pum pum.
I’ll Be Home For Christmas? Same lie you told last year – trash!
12 Days Of Christmas? “Hey, let’s buy some really unnecessary shit” gar-BAHJJ.
Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas? How about you let people have the Christmas they want to have? TRASH.
Jingle Bells? Weird Victorian words waste.
Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer? We want to run over the songwriter and throw them in a landfill.
All I Want For Christmas Is You? Overplayed, seeping pile of refuse.
If your favorite Christmas song didn’t make our list, don’t worry. We assure you, it’s garbage, too.