Did you think 2019 was a shit show? Remember how 2018 was moment after moment of awfulness? Or how you were so happy when 2017 was finally over? Well, get ready for 2020. It’s here, and it already sucks.

Elon Musk will be spending this year on reducing fatalities with automated cars or choosing a sexy Martian outfit or something. Well, here’s my 2020: I just stubbed my toe on a huge radiator. It’s only ten minutes in, and I’m already fucking done.

Pixar has a new film coming out, and no doubt it’s going to be epic. Do you know what other epic thing is happening this year? This god damn Shiraz stain on my brand new Cashmere sweater, that’s what. Jesus fucking Christ. I’m throwing this pullover into the garbage along with the rest of 2020.

Renewable energy is going to make huge leaps this year. That’s cool, but I didn’t even get carded when I went out last night. In 2019, I got carded all the time, and then BOOM- 2020, “Did you want anything else?” Yeah I want something else. I want to be carded, motherfucker.

I bet you’re prepared to start off 2020 right with a new diet, a new look, a new you. Good for you. I just got a call from work that the new guy called in sick, and now I have to be there in 2 hours. I can’t believe Brian pulled that asshole move again, but not as much as I can’t believe 2020. It already sucks so much.

By Andrew Froese

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