Impatient about Nancy Pelosi’s delay on transmitting the articles of impeachment to the Senate, Hillary Clinton has offered to whip out her most secure server and email those suckers over right now, using the officially recognized address of ConvictThatFucker@senate.com.

“I’m good at getting things done, and I’m even better at emailing,” said the 2016 not-at-all-vengeful presidential candidate. “For instance, I emailed Santa asking for an extra-special holiday present this year and boy did he deliver! Not just one article of impeachment but two. I made a hundred copies of them to hang on my Christmas tree as a garland. A few years ago I used actual Merrick Garland to wrap around the tree but this is even better.”

Clinton has been emailing Pelosi several times a day to find out any other ways she can be of service. “This is gonna be a long trial. I could provide popcorn, party favors, and little guillotine-shaped cookies. I could bring my husband in as a reminder that hey, if you’re going to impeach twice in a quarter century, you really should convict at least once. I could just show up and laugh and point and delight in this blow to Trump’s ego that makes me so happy I could pee my pants.”

At press time, Clinton had her finger poised over the “Send” button and is just waiting for the go-ahead, but cannot promise there will not be an accidental slip of a key stroke.

By Holly Love