To celebrate the time-honored tradition of mansplaining, a practice celebrating its roots as far back as Plato — although actually Plato was not really a mansplainer, so much as he was a visionary of thought — the international chapter of Mansplainers United will be meeting later this month at a specific time and location to be announced the day before the event. Chairman of the United States division Daniel Montgomery emailed the tentative plan on New Year’s Eve.

“The convention will be held towards the end of January, early February at the latest. We will meet again around July, maybe September. There will be lively breakout sessions such as:

How To Listen To A Woman’s Idea And Present It To Others As If It Were Your Own

How To Get A Woman To Pitch Her Own Ideas, And Somehow Still Take Credit For Them

Whoa, Calm Down, You Obviously Misunderstood Me

How To Modulate Your Voice So That It Lets The Woman Know That You Know Exactly What She Has Experienced, But That You Would Have Handled The Situation So Much Better

Taking A Simple, Well-Understood Concept And Monologuing It When No One Even Asked You Anything

Covertly Googling Information During A Discussion And Paraphrasing It To Sound As If You Were Already An Expert On The Matter

Offering Feedback When None Was Asked For And Using It As An Opportunity To Tout Your Own Achievements, But Subtle-Like So That Everyone Will Admire You

and of course

Actually, That’s Not Exactly What That Means

There is also a special session for white men called Explaining Eloquently Why That Isn’t Actually Racist

The entire event will close with an inspirational keynote address by this guy I met at an Ace Hardware. Once he shares his story, you’ll get why he was the perfect choice.”

It should be noted that lunch will not be provided, and the conference is subject to last-minute cancellation in the event that something comes up.

By Emily Sanchez

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