Portland, OR —

The Oregon Department of Transportation, in conjunction with the Portland Bureau of Transportation, has recently announced plans to reduce vehicle lanes on all Portland freeways to make space for new unicycle-friendly lanes.

Portland city councilman Gregory Poot issued a statement: “After ongoing pressure from a man dressed as a Steampunk vampire, standing outside Voodoo Doughnut, we decided to heed the will of the people and shift Portland into a cleaner, greener future. Adding unicycle lanes to freeways will reduce vehicle traffic and incentivize citizens to do their part for the environment, one wheel at a time.”

According to Poot, unicycle lanes are just one of many progressive and environmentally friendly concepts that they will be implementing this year. “Starting January 1st, Oregon banned all plastic grocery bags. We are also enacting a law allowing cyclists to roll through stop signs. At the end of the day, we just want to make it as easy and convenient as possible for the citizens of Portland to get from point A to B. This means cyclists now have the luxury of pedalling up to 55 mph down freeways and right through stop signs, all while carrying groceries in environmentally-friendly paper bags in the rainiest region in the continental US. This is the world we have all been working towards.”

When we caught up with Portland mayor Ted Wheeler for comment, he simply raised both of his middle fingers and slowly backed out of the room while making fart noises with his mouth.

By CarolAnn Liebelt, Image Edit: Andrew Froese