I’m just going to come out and say it: I won’t be voting for Bernie Sanders this primary. This might shock some of his supporters, but not everyone is going to support their precious saint of a candidate.
Don’t get me wrong – I don’t mind his message, and some of his ideas. I thought the First World tradition of public healthcare and ending provocative wars sounded pretty rad. I liked the way he continually polled as the best opponent against Trump. I even felt I was beginning to grasp concepts that are normally shielded from a lot of US discourse. But when a Bernie bro showed up in a Facebook comment to “ok boomer” me (I’m only 48!), something in me changed. I just refuse to be associated with such asshole supporters! It’s for that reason I’ve decided to support a different candidate and abandon all my previous opinions about keeping poor people alive.
I also heard—from a very reputable source—that Bernie’s supporters are misogynistic, and he knows it. I find that deeply unsettling, and as soon as I finish scrolling back to the beginning of this left-wing meme page, I’m certain I will find at least one example of this disgusting sexism, and this case will be blown wide open.
Honestly, now that I think of it, the Bernie bros are a weird bunch. Like half of them aren’t even guys! Something about wanting healthcare seems to just turn some women into misogynistic male assholes.
Anyway, I have distanced myself from Bernie’s radical youth supporters, and I have been feeling much better. I’m in a “Democrats for Biden” group, and I’ve had some really respectful conversations with some older citizens who grew up under FDR’s reforms, which were far more radical than Bernie’s. Apparently, things were terrible back then, so they dismantled it all in the ’80s, and everything has been going swimmingly ever since!
In summary, here is a list of things I would rather see happen than be associated with a filthy, disgusting hippie Bernie supporter:
- Several more decades of wage stagnation
- Inevitable droughts across the country due to inaction on climate change
- 13-year-old children literally in debt for trying to eat at school
- Spending the equivalent of three round-trip flights to New Zealand on an ER visit
- Republicans winning forever and ever because we keep trying the same shit
- Waiting until I’m 80 to pay off my student debt and retire
- Just like, continually cutting taxes on the wealthy and hoping it somehow has a different effect next time
- 75% of people’s income going to landlords
- Overthrowing another country’s government every few years
- Every other country just hating America forever and ever
Thank you for coming to this bar and listening to my speech. And remember, you sad, creepy, naïve lefties: The most important thing of all is party unity. So vote blue no matter who, you dipshits!