By Steve Jones

I’m an American patriot and a die-hard Republican, raised in the Midwest by two staunch Catholic and conservative parents who taught me to love this country, guns, God, and party.

When I’m not on social media arguing with dumbass libtards or spreading awareness of Hillary’s emails, I’m busy watching Fox News and old Ronald Reagan speeches. From my blue-collar job as a forklift operator to a giant Confederate Flag waving from the back of my ’94 Chevy Silverado, everything about me screams “I swing to the right!” Well, everything except my dick, that is.

You see, my dick hangs to the left, and for someone as hardcore Republican as me, this is unacceptable. I’ve tried everything to change the direction of my erection. In my early twenties, I began masturbating with my non-dominant hand. At one point, I even taped my wiener to my right thigh. Nothing. No matter what I do, I cannot alternate the swing of my schwing.

Once I’m seven Budweisers deep, don’t even talk to me about the angle of my dangle! My dick hangs to the left, but I assure you, I vote Republican. I support the flag, freedom, our troops, and our president. If you don’t like it, then get the fuck out of my country!

I may be liberal with my cock, but my cock isn’t liberal, you hear? And if it was, I’d beat it until it can’t take any more.

By Catricia