Punxsutawney, PA –

The legendary Pennsylvania town, capitulating to demands by PETA, has retired legendary groundhog Punxsutawney Phil. “We will release Phil into the wild. He will absolutely love the completely untamed natural habitat he was designed for, despite having spent his entire life in a cage,” said Mayor Richard Alexander. “We are replacing him with a robot that is incapable of any feelings.” Unfortunately, PETA was unmollified by this development, complaining that Punxsutawney was continuing to exploit a helpless rodent.

By Fred Gailey