Despite what will be a valiant attempt at maintaining his New Year’s resolution to lose 40 pounds, local football fan Devin Waters will deliver the death knell to his January 1st diet come Super Bowl Sunday.

“My friend Chris and Katie Kennedy throw the most epic Super Bowl party, I look forward to it every year. This year I’m really going to be mindful of the snacks, even though I’m going to allow myself a few treats,” gushed Devin, who will ravenously consume upwards of 5,000 calories at the party and get so drunk that he will be unable to complete his weekly meal prep later that day, thus delivering the final blow to his diet on which he has seen nominal success so far this year.

“I’ve already lost seven pounds, so I don’t want to derail my progress. I just need to be cautious,” he continued, even as his mind wandered to Katie’s specialty mini cheeseburger sliders, brownie bites, spicy Buffalo wings and seven layer dip that party attendees rave about every year. “They usually have a great bar too, but luckily I like Michelob Ultra. I’ll just save a few extra carbs that day,” said Chris confidently, despite full knowledge that White Russians and several craft stouts would also be available to him, and that his friends would be encouraging him to have more and more drinks as the game progressed.

“Everything in moderation, and I should be fine,” Devin stated, not knowing that he would shamelessly finish off an entire bag of Tostitos and homemade queso brought by the Kennedys’ neighbor. “It’s a potluck, so I’ll probably bring a veggie and hummus tray for those of us who are trying to be a little healthier,” said Devin resolutely, despite having blown his New Year’s diet for the previous seven years, due in large part to his weakness for oversized commercially produced sub sandwiches, which would also be available at the Kennedy party.

At press time, Devin hadn’t eaten breakfast or lunch on Super Bowl Sunday and entered the Kennedy residence greeting the hosts while making a beeline for the make-your-own-taco station.

By Rachael Letourneau