After a tense day of inconclusive results from the Iowa caucus, the Iowan citizens and delegates have finally publicly announced that the real winner was every single one of you all along. Analysts have attributed the victory to everybody showing up, giving their all, having a vision for the future, and participating in our great democracy.

“Yes, we’re having a few hiccups firing up the old computer and figuring out who voted for who. But in the end, it doesn’t even matter who wins, because there’s only one candidate who truly impressed us: you voters who came out and worked so hard to make your voices heard,” said a spokesperson for the Democratic National Committee.

“Elections aren’t really about deciding who wins,” confirmed an Iowa political scientist. “They’re not about policy or leadership either. Ultimately, they’re just an exercise for our citizens to create a real sense of community, meet like-minded people, make each other feel good, and make no real change whatsoever.”

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