Mexico City, Mexico —

In a historic summit, members of Mexico’s administration began drafting a pact to finally stop using those upside-down exclamation mark things at the start of sentences. The deal would phase both upside-down question marks and exclamation points out of all Mexican existence by 2022. The agreement has been extremely popular both in the United States, who brokered the deal, and among Mexicans, who are tired of having to write with so much melodramatic flair.

“Under Obama, we were getting a bad deal from Mexico,” President Trump explained to the press. “Between their inverted question marks, that squiggly thing over the letter n, and those weird quotation marks that look like arrows, we found that they had access to many more sources of punctuation than we do. Meanwhile, many of my own supporters are drastically short on punctuation. No longer will we be getting the raw end of the deal. All Mexican punctuation will now be officially property of the United States of America, and will be securely kept in a storage facility in Nevada. Our national nightmare is finally over. I’m just glad that we put this issue to bed and no other countries do the same thing.”

Trump continued, “For too long, Mexico has been making a mockery of us by taking ordinary punctuation and literally flipping it upside-down. Today, we came together and told them that we’re not going to put up with that kind of headfuckery anymore. We will fight to make sure that this decision, just like their exclamation marks, will never be overturned.”

By William Boffa